Not So Soft

anticipate

you are subtle as a window pane
standing in my view
but i will wait for it to rain
so that i can see you
you call me up at night when there’s
no light passing through
and you think that i don’t understand
but i do

we don’t say everything
that we could
so that we can say later
oh, you misunderstood
i hold my cards
up close to my chest
i say what i have to
and i hold back the rest

someone you don’t know
is someone you don’t know
get a firm grip, girl
before you let go
for every hand extended
another lies in wait
keep an eye on that one
anticipate

dress down and get out there
pick a fight with the police
we’ll get it all on film
for the new release
seems like everyone’s an actor
or they’re an actor's best friend
i wonder what was wrong
to begin with
that they should all have to pretend
we lose sight of everything
when we have to keep
checking our backs
i think we should all just smile,
come clean and relax

if there’s anything i’ve learned
all these years on my own
it’s how to find my own way there
and how to find my own way
back home

rockabye

tending the garden of noise
where i grow the traffic
and the church bells
and the neighborhood boys
singing to myself
when the solitude sets in
in tune with the symphony
of south brooklyn
i sing

rockabye, rockabye baby
rockabye the baby that is me
rockabye, rockabye baby
rockabye till i’m fast asleep

the tunnel is train torn
the tracks are worn and sore
i can feel the rattle
riding up through the floor
she jumped the turnstyle
he paid for his ride
i am the echo in the station
where their footfalls collide
i left her at the epicenter
we were trembling dutifully
then i left him too
i left parts of me
singing rockabye...

i said, today i am leaving
in every sense of the word
but i’m in love
with your memory already
everything i’ve seen and heard
and i will go singing
as the solitude sets in
in time with the rhythm
of every where i have been
it sounds like rockabye...

she says
she says forget what you have to do
pretend there is nothing
outside this room
and like an idea she came to me
but she came too late
or maybe too soon
i said please try not to love me
close your eyes
i’m turning on the light
you know i have no vacancy
and it’s awfully cold outside tonight

the rain stains the brick
a darker red
slowly i’m rolling
out of the bed
the rain stains the street
a darker black
i dress my face in stone
because i can’t go back
i feel her eyes watching me
from behind the curtain of her hair
she says i’m sorry
i didn’t mean to stare
i say i think i really have to go now
but oh baby maybe someday
maybe somehow

make me stay

i’m going to turn
and walk away
you wait till i
am far along
then run and come
and catch my arm
and say you’d die
if i were gone
i want to hear you
call my name
it’s too easy just to
say it soft
i don’t like my language
watered down
i don’t like my edges
rounded off

i can’t always wait
for your circumstance
to improve
love is loose
it shifts each time you move
go ahead put my
back against the wall
give it all up
or don’t give it to me
at all
you never know
this could be
our last night
so step back
step back into the light
so i can see
your silhouette
i’m not done looking yet

save the profile
for the camera
give me your eye to eye
i know all your secrets
and you know
all of mine
mostly i don’t go
for the soft focus
and the fantasy
i need something real
i can think
and say and see so

i’m going to turn
and walk away
you wait till i
am far along
then run and come
and catch my arm
and say you’d die
if i were gone
yes, i’m going to turn
and walk away
you can watch me go
or make me stay

on every corner

death
has been your lover
he has brought you
the edges of your life
and now you are looking over
and all we can say
is it’s going to be alright
i am looking forward
to looking back
on these days
when on every corner
someone holds a sign
that says i’m homeless
i’m hungry and
i have AIDS

how will they define
our generation
in the coming decades
who will tell the story
and what will they say
will they say the victims
were thought of as criminals
while the guilty sat on high
deciding their fate
ticking off statistics
in their spare time
tell me which is the crime

may you never test positive
pregnancy...HIV
may you never be the receptacle
of blame
may you never be the scapegoat
for a whole world
full of shame
may you never be fighting
for your life
and at the same
have to fight for your name

there are too few
who open both eyes
we sit back in our easy chairs
and try to sympathize
whether from the point
of a needle or
the edge of our beds
we too, like too many others
could be dead
our actions will define us
before a single definition
can be said
so what if god is testing us
what if that’s true
what are you going to do
what is the answer
to you

small world

she was shaking and talking
louder and louder
each sentence was sifted
to a very fine powder
her face was wet and tight
her grip was cold and light
a strong wind
could blow you down
i heard myself say
and she said word up sister
a strong wind
could take me away

i said how long have you
been at large
they told me you were stashed
last time i asked
she said i’ve been out now
for all of three hours
i just resurfaced
and here you are
i must admit that it
has been hard so far

i said skeletons are fine
your closet or mine
and we took turns recounting
the details of lost time
and when we had both
admitted it all
we threw our heads back
and laughed until we cried
we laughed because the world
is absurd and beautiful
and small

there we were
washed up on the curb
as the rush hour traffic
went out with the tide
and i was aware that
with every word
spoken and shared
i could see her shaking subside
i said sister looks to me
like you’re going to be fine

not so soft

in a forest of stone
underneath the corporate canopy
where the sun
rarely
filters
down
the ground
is not so soft
not so soft

they build buildings
to house people making money
or they build buildings
to make money off housing people
it’s true
like a lot of things are true
i am foraging for a phone booth
on the forest floor
that is not so soft
i look up
it looks like
the buildings are burning
but it’s just the sun setting
in the windows
the solar system calling an end
to another business day
eternally circling
signaling the rhythmic clicking
on and off of computers
the pulse
of the american machine
the pulse
that draws death dancing
out of anonymous side streets
(the ones that always get dumped
on but never get plowed)
it draws dancing
out of little countries
with funny languages
where the ground is getting harder
and it was not
that
soft
before
those who call the shots
are never in the line of fire
why
when there is life for hire
out there

if a flag of truth
were raised
we could watch every liar
rise to wave it
here
we learn america like a script
playwright
birthright
same thing
we bring
ourselves to the role
we are all rehearsing for the presidency
i always wanted to be
commander in chief
of my one woman army

but i can envision the mediocrity
of my finest hour
it is the failed america in me
it is the fear
that lives
in a forest of stone
underneath the corporate canopy
where the sun
rarely
filters
down
and the ground
is not so soft

roll with it

she says my ass hurts
when i sit down
she says my feet hurt
when i’m standing around
i think my body
is as restless as my mind
and i don’t know if i can
roll with it this time

she packed his uniforms
and drove him to the base
she was crying all the way,
the world looked her in the face
and said, roll with it baby
make it your career
keep the home fires burning
till america is in the clear

the mainstream
is so polluted with lies
once you are wet
it’s so hard to get dry
we are all taught how to justify
history as it passes by
and yes, it’s your world
that comes crashing down
when the big boys
want to throw their weight around
but just roll with it baby
make it your career
keep the home fires burning
till america is in the clear

what if the enemy
isn’t in a distant land
what if it lies behind
the voice of command
the sound of war
is a child’s cry
behind tinted windows
they just drive by
all i know is that those
that are going to be killed
aren’t those that preside
on capitol hill
i told him, don’t fill
the front lines of their war
those assholes aren’t worth dying for
but he said
roll with it baby
make it your career
keep the home fires burning
till america is in the clear

she says my ass hurts
when i sit down
she says my feet hurt
when i’m standing around
i think my body
is as restless as my mind
and i’m not gonna roll with it this time

itch

i am evening the score
i’m cutting the umbilical chord
curled with my teeth against my knees
scratching at my consciousness
like a bitch with fleas
i think you’ll be greatly pleased
to know that
yours was the hardest itch to relieve

this is me
without my hair
welcome to my open stare
i’ve got nothing to hide no more
why disguise
what isn’t there
i am an eyesore
i am a detour
you can find me crying
on the shoulder
of the road
and i will tell you
what you want to hear
before i go
and that is that
yours was the hardest itch to relieve

i’ve mapped out my course
looks like it’s all uphill
and i’ve got a heavy heart to carry
but a very strong will
it’s just hard to travel
in the shadow of regret
it’s so hard
that i actually haven’t left yet

gratitude

thank you
for letting me stay here
thank you
for taking me in
thank you
for the beer and the food
thank you
for loaning me bus fare
thank you
for showing me around
that was a very
kind thing to do
thank you
for the use of the clean towel
thank you
for half of your bed
we can sleep here like
brother and sister you said

but you changed the rules
in an hour or two
i don’t know what
you and your sisters do
but please don’t
please stop
this is not my obligation
what does my body
have to do
with my gratitude

look at you
little white lying
for the purpose of justifying
what you are trying
to do
i know that you
feel my resistance
i know that you
heard what i said
otherwise you wouldn’t need
the excuse

thank you
for letting me stay here
thank you
for taking me in
i don’t know where else
i would have gone
but i don’t come and go
like a pop song
you can play incessantly
and then forget once it’s gone
you can’t write me off
and you don’t
turn me on

so don’t change the rules
in an hour or two
i don’t know what you
and your sisters do
but please don’t
please stop
this is not my obligation
what does my body
have to do
with my gratitude

the whole night

we can touch
touch our girl cheeks
and we can hold hands
like paper dolls
we can try
try each other on
in the privacy
within new york city’s walls
we can kiss
kiss goodnight
and we can go home wondering
what would it be like if
if i did not have a boyfriend
and we could spend
the whole night

i am waking up
in her bed
i sing 1st avenue
the open window said
always late to sleep
late to rise
lying here watching
the day go by
in the living room
there are people on the carpet
having stupid conversations
just to hear themselves talk
and i am drifting through
i am
headed for the kitchen
i am
thinking of her fingers
as i walk

the next big thing

hello
it’s me
i’m returning your call
it’s monday wednesday friday
between noon and three
he says i
usually just let the phone ring
but i’ve always got a minute
of time
for the next big thing
and i wonder
how he can see
where he’s going
with those dollar signs
in his eyes
i say thank you
for your interest
but my thing is already
just the right size

hello
it’s me
yes, i’ll play for the door
nothing more
on a tuesday
he says baby
what is your name
i forgot
he says baby
tell me again
are you really hot

and i think
he does not hear
what i’m saying
he’s just looking
at my 8 x 10
and wondering about
the part that was left out
does she have a body
that will really
draw them in

how much do you want
how much are you
willing to do
baby, this is no business
for a sweet little
girl like you
can you play the game
act it out
frame for frame
do you know your lines
let me hear them
one more time

but i’d rather
pay my dues
to the six people
sitting at the bar
than to all those men
in their business suits
who say i’ll take you away
from this
if you’ll just
get in the car

brief bus stop

she sat there like a photograph
of someone much farther away
we shared a brief bus stop
on one of those in between days
she gave me her smile
and i looked underneath
at the lipstick
on her teeth

she asked me for a light
and if i thought her hair looked
ok
we grew out of the small talk
into stuff that strangers just don’t
say
we discovered that we are both
pleasantly furious half of the time
when we are not just
toeing the line

we sat underneath the shelter
as the rain came down outside
the bench was cold
against the underside of our thighs
i said, i think we need new responses
every question is a revolving door
and she said yeah,
my life may not be something special
but it’s never been lived before

we decided our urgency will wane
when we grow old
there will be a new generation of anger
new stories to be told
but i said, i don’t know if i can wait
for that peace to be mine
and she said, well, you know
we’ve been waiting for this bus
for an awfully long time

looking for the holes

i am looking for the holes
the holes in your jeans
because i want to know
are they worn out in the seat
or are they worn out in the knees

there are so many ways to wear
what we have before it’s gone
to make use of what is there
i don’t wear anything i can’t
wipe my hands on

do your politics fit
between the headlines
are they written in newsprint
are they distant
mine are crossing an empty parking lot
they are a woman walking home
at night, alone
they are six strings that sing
and wood that hums against my hip bone

we can’t afford to do anyone harm
because we owe them our lives
each breath is recycled
from someone else’s lungs
our enemies are the very air in disguise

you can talk a great philosophy
but if you can’t be kind
to people every day
then it doesn’t mean that much to me
it’s the little things you do
it’s the little things you say
it’s the love that you give along the way

when we patch things up
they say a job well done
but when we ask the question why
where did the rips come from
they say we are subversive
and extreme of course
we are just trying to track a problem
to it’s source
we are looking for the holes

because we know we can’t sit back
and let people come to harm
we owe them our lives
each breath is recycled
from someone else’s lungs
our enemies are the very air
our enemies are the air